I Want Me Back

I search for the pieces to a me I used to be. 

motivated. courageous. strong. 

a glimmer of hope that I’m still alive somewhere. 

where did I go? Where’ve I been all along?

This independent person that used to be me. 

I didn’t need arms to comfort my heart. 

Where did this person go?

I only see pieces of a part. 

My reflection doesn’t even look like me. 

it looks lovesick and consumed with fear. 

Where did the pretty reflection go? 

I can hear the devil snicker and sneer. 

I’ve fallen to my knees many a nights. 

I’ve soaked my sheets with tears. 

I’ve called out. prayed. practically begged. 

Give me strength. remove these fears. 

I’ve prayed for signs. any warning to drive me away. 

I’ve prayed for sunshine. a rainbow of hope. 

Anything to tell me. this is wrong. turn back. 

But my heart said hang on. and it threw me a rope. 

You can’t give up on this. 

It’s too amazing and feels so warm on your skin.

But now i beg my heart for answers. 

when did the sunshine hide and the cloudy days begin?

Where did i go? I beg the answer to be told. 

How did i become so submissive and tolerate the intolerable? 

How did I so easily let the wool slip over my eyes. 

Why so easily can I accept answers. 

When my heart knows they are lies. 

where did this me emerge from?

Scars of past hurt and mistrust and belief? 

When did I become so weak? 

Maybe this crumbling will become a relief. 

I want the former me back. 

The audacious, courageous red-headed woman, ready to conquer the world. 

I want the former me back. 

The ambitious, dream filled, pony-tailed little girl. 

I want the former me back. 

The one that never cried herself to sleep. 

I want the former me back. 

The one who’s heart was her own to keep. 

I want the former me back. 

The daddy’s little girl. 

the one who braved new beginnings, 

and was ready to face this world. 

(May 28, 2011)  © Amber Huether

 

Buried Beneath the Rubble

Buried beneath the rubble.

an impossibility. so it seems.

how did we get to where we are?

An impossibility. ripped at the seams.

How did I let my heart get this far?

Its an impossibility to breath without pain.

a sure probability that I wont be the same.

an instant feeling, that my heart is at my feet.

just pieces of a person, that used to be me.

am i even happy? is this meant to be?

I’m staring at a reflection that wont look back at me.

A glimmer of my former, a me I used to be.

Is this the real amber? or love’s casualty.

My reflection still wont look this way,

Am I in danger of losing myself completely?

The injustice of love i’ve suffered mercilessly

I’ve tried so hard to not let it defeat me.

I’ve tried so hard to hide this discreetly.

But I just cant sweep it under the rug

and ignore that its been lurking near.

When you ignore something so relevant,

you find yourself full of paranoia and fear.

Is this really me? This robot talking and ranting.

Where am I? lost inside a love.

I’ve prayed so hard, so many times,

begging for answers, for strength from above.

I’m broken. crumbling. cracking, falling.

I’m lost. scared. alone. trembling.

I’m defeated. beaten. overpowered. failing.

I’m asleep. nightmares. monsters. dying.

You’re my everything. my world.

what am I without your hand in mine?

And this is where I’ve lost myself,

A love that consumed, overtook, intertwined.

I love you fiercely. without regret.

I love you without an ounce of doubt.

But now I’ve fallen into a deep, dark hole.

and can’t figure my way out.

I could never take back my love for you,

its not just a plug i can pull.

I can’t just walk away and never look back.

You made my heart beat, my life full.

I stand corrected. you still do.

you always will. my heart has been yours to keep.

thus the reason i feel so empty and scared.

this leaves me alone and broken to weep.

why does God let us love so fully?

Why does he let us love so blind?

He should limit the love we can feel for another.

I’m tired of loving so hard. and being left behind.

I gave all of myself completely.

never an ounce of lazy love.

I’ve put forth effort that could move mountains.

its just never quite enough.

(May 28, 2011)

© Amber Huether

 

Gospel of my Soul part II

gospel of my soul part II

Every time you leave the house,

i wonder where you go.

not because i think you’ll wander,

just because i want to know.

If i know where you’re going,

and when you’re set to return,

then i know that you can’t leave me,

and wont leave my heart to yearn.

I know you think my trust is lack

and maybe all-together gone.

but just understand the pain i have

for the past that has gone wrong.

when i was younger,

and my mother left me cold.

I never knew the pain it would cause,

until now, when the scars are old.

in my heart i whisper softly,

am I that easily left behind?

is there some greatness i am missing,

is this love of a different kind?

The questions wander slowly,

and linger until they are gone.

What was so bad about me?

What did i do wrong?

And then my heart comforts me,

and sings a song about lessons learned.

So that one day when i have kids,

i won’t regret the corners i’ve turned.

But soon the blackness creeps again,

and it gets within my head

and it starts to beg the question,

where WAS, better off instead?

I shove away the feelings,

and bury them where they’re dead.

and try to ignore the scars they left

where WAS, better to live instead?

and here’s the riddle to the puzzle,

the flames behind the pain,

the question burning so deep within,

it leaves me falling short of sane.

If the doe could abandon her fawn,

and leave her vulnerable and weak,

whats to stop everyone from running,

but the standing still of feet?

If the one who loves unconditionally,

puts conditions upon her love,

it drops the bar that sets the standard,

and leaves a question to rise above?

what’s to stop him leaving?

is his love gunna hold him here.

if it didn’t work for the mamma,

well, you understand my fear.

as soon as i fear the fleeing,

and i fear being left in solitude,

my world begins crumbling,

and the destruction is of magnitude.

I leave him constantly reassuring me,

“no, i’m here to stay”,

but even as a mother’s proved,

anyone can walk away.

So whats keeping him loyal to loving me?

what keeps him from kicking up dust

I’ll over love and over compensate

until its all i can do, i must.

but this love life thats got me fearing

is incredible and keeps me alive.

I’m just waiting for the letting go

when this rooted fear can finally subside.

(april 24, 2011)

© Amber Huether

 

Gospel of my Soul

i have found myself to be in deep.

way over my head so i can’t see the sunshine.

or rather, there is too much sunshine

and i am blinded by its beauty.

Its beauty is profound, intense, so real.

it encompasses my entire being,

my entire persona,

and my entire soul.

it controls when i blink. when i eat.

it controls when i laugh, when i cry, when i weep.

It tells me when i should be energized,

and it cuddles me to sleep.

it engulfs my thoughts,

and has found comfortable lodging in my heart.

It grows with each passing day,

and so to, does its power.

I am not chained and held prisoner

against the will thats mine.

I welcomed, with open arms, this brilliant light

into my heart and mind.

i never knew its power,

or what it would become.

and now the seeds that have been sewed,

are not easily undone.

I plan my life around this light,

and crumble when it dims.

And then the brilliance bounces back,

and my twisted mind grins.

my heart knows the fetal position,

and it rarely knows to stand.

and only does it come to its feet,

when his hand is in my hand.

this beauty, this brilliance, this LOVE.

it overwhelms my soul.

i never knew i could love so much,

he’s not become my part, but my whole.

along the road of learning,

and along the journey of life.

i somewhere got tossed and forgotten,

the beginnings to this strife.

if i only knew to embrace it then,

and not push it deep inside.

i could have been the master of my soul,

instead i run and hide.

i sit along the sidelines,

and cheer my heart along.

the love that holds the reins to all,

the place where I belong.

this love ravages my body,

and takes all to leave none behind.

it holds my oxygen captive,

and keeps whats rightfully mine.

This love i know, is real and deep,

and powers the happiness behind my smile

and I never for a second resent this love.

after all, its all that i am.

written April 24, 2011 

by Amber Huether

 

new kid on the blog

So, I’m the new kid on the WordPress blog and am trying to get acquainted with everything on here. I am recently a blogspot user, however I never got involved with my blog full swing as I just didn’t have the time, at the time, or the inspiration to blog about anything worth discussing. Not saying I have all these great inspirations and ideas now, but I was searching for an outlet to get my art out there and to receive unbiased feedback from complete strangers. So please, feel free to give me your honest feedback, I encourage it. Hopefully I will have some more exciting stuff posted soon.

And if you’re one of the few people so far that have gotten lost on the internet and found yourself on my blog, feel free to stay awhile and sight see. You’re here, you might as well.

Always,
~amber marie